Yesterday, I had my first intermittent explosive episode after almost a year of trying to manage my temper and anxiety. For a week, I had been dodging triggers here and there and I commanded my body and brain to work really hard so I won’t loose control. But yesterday, I was triggered big time and I lost it.In a furious tirade, I verbally attacked one person after the other until my vision dimmed into a black hole. My body was shaking uncontrollably and I could feel the monster inside me taking over.
I somehow managed to walk away but the fury inside me was crying out like lava trapped inside a volcano. I couldn’t sleep the whole night. I felt rage boiling inside me and 17 years worth of hurts came rushing at me like a vengeful army. My brain banged with incomprehensible noises and the faces of the people I assaulted kept coming back to haunt me. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill somebody. In between sobs, I prayed God would spare me from committing murder.
Just before sunrise, I took 5 melatonin pills and wished for a sleep that would not end.
3 hours later, I woke up to the intense beating of my heart. I sat down to calm my nerves and remembered what happened yesterday. My memory of the whole ordeal was hazy but the faces of the people I fired upon was so vivid. I felt guilt, shame, distress, weariness and anger all at the same time.
But I forced myself to climb out of bed, wipe away my tears, hush the growing anxiety inside me and put on my “normal-person” mask. I had work to do today. I had to survive one more day of what others call a beautiful life.
Lord, one day when I die, please let all the people I hurt know that I suffered twice as much as the pain I had caused them.
And in their dreams, can you tell them, “I’m sorry”?
At least they get to sleep and I don’t. That is punishment enough for me.