Thoughts of a 32-year-old

Last year on this date, I resigned from a job that provided my biggest security for the past years. It was a dream-job-turned-nightmare, as the daily pressures and demands transformed me into a walking robot.

walking-in-new-zealand

It didn’t help that I was in a country that took my heart and kept hammering on it, until it stopped beating. I have no intentions of bashing. I am happy for the expats who found home in the Middle East.

But no amount of comfort could erase the discrimination, trauma and assaults I have seen and tasted through the years. I have experienced inhumanity, in levels deeper than others did. One day, I will write about it.

To survive, I saw myself turning into a different person – numb, aggressive and heartless. I did not want to be that person. Day and night I pleaded to God to get me out. He said “no” so many times.

walking-in-new-zealand

But God knew what he was doing. I was where he needed me to be for many years.

You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

walking-in-new-zealand

When he finally gave me the go-signal to leave, I packed my bags and said goodbye to the sandpit.

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun

In search of healing, I went through a rollercoaster of doubt and distress. I felt I was too old and too tired to start again – to move to a new place, to find another job, and to live a new chapter of my life.

walking-in-new-zealand

But everything I have experienced has made me wiser. I have learned that every decision made without God’s approval, will lead you in circles.

You can walk miles and miles in life, making your own choices, ignoring the red flags along the way and reaching the top of your dreams. But one day, you’ll find yourself back where you started.

Hard as it may be, now I make the conscious effort to wait for God’s go-ahead before taking any steps further.

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good

walking-in-new-zealand

Today he has led me to a greener place, for me to stay or for me to pass by, that is still uncertain. But what I’m sure of is this: In this land of milk and honey, I feel my dead heart start beating again, Slowly and softly but alive again.

I feel healing has begun.

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

walking-in-new-zealand

This year I turned 32. I look back at the pain of my past and it doesn’t sting like it used to.

Yesterday’s a closing door, I don’t live there anymore.

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6 thoughts on “Thoughts of a 32-year-old

  1. In the brokenness of time
    When storms batter and fears undermine
    The day at sunset goes spiraling down
    Overwhelming sense of despair as though you’re about to drown
    Nowhere to turn to as tears dry up on granite faces
    Groping and lost wandering in the darkness
    Inexplicable sorrow with no hope for tomorrow

    Awake arise astounding joy comes with the dawning
    Darkness overwhelmed by light ends all mourning
    The potter His clay perfecting
    From heart of stone to heart of flesh changing
    Mercy grace and loving astounding
    Facing a Savior so amazing
    The hope of all nations resounding
    A God of hope unchanging

    Forgiver of sins
    Forgetter of iniquities
    Cleanser of lives
    Healer of Hearts
    Giver of New Life
    Lord Jesus Christ forever loving

    Liked by 1 person

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